An entry from A Year of Days that I thought might be a nice read today…..
It has taken some time for me to learn how to be comfortable with being ok with being ok. I am reminded of those moments at the end of some period of struggle, a close call or achieving a difficult goal, and having that sort of “ok—what now?” feeling that was odd and deflating. I often suddenly felt a bit lost or purposeless. I think much of my life before addiction, and certainly during it, was framed in the constant pursuit of something. A nagging and searching effort or mission to achieve something that would validate who I was and prove that I was good enough—that I belonged. I would show the world and force my will upon it by exerting my power and efforts. Often when things didn’t work out and my efforts failed there was a feeling of powerlessness that I couldn’t accept and I quickly blamed others for my failure. My struggle would immediately continue again as I then moved onto to trying to control the next outcome. I was completely unable to accept myself or my place in life around me simply as it was. Recovery has shown me that my powerlessness is unavoidable and that the only relief from my desire to fight it is to accept it. I now realize that those moments of “what now” and of winning or failing are not a measurement of my self-worth or success in life. Acceptance of my powerlessness allows me to be ok with being ok. I can simply do my best in life and leave the outcome to my Higher Power who guides the direction of my thinking and efforts. I have found a tremendous freedom and liberation from this new perspective that allows me to always be “good enough.” By avoiding the things I know I shouldn’t do and doing the things I know I should—and by remaining in contact with my Higher Power and friends—I have become very comfortable with my powerlessness over the world around me. Today I understand the power that I do have within my own actions and thinking and I work to exert that power in healthy ways that are guided by the principles and morals I have found through doing the work of recovery.